Groaningsea Gazette

All posts in the Groaningsea Gazette category

RAT is Formed!

Published April 3, 2012 by loonyliterature

An exclusive interview

By

Ambrose Pimple.

Groaningsea Gazette Editor, Reporter and Coffee Boy.

          Sales of the Groaningsea Gazette have almost doubled since Groaningsea’s premier crime correspondent, Ambrose Pimple, uncovered the  mob in our mist!  Residents were so shocked at the threat to their beloved seaside town that they have joined forces against crime with the Groaningsea Gazette.  The local people have banded together to form RAT – residents against terror.  The chairlady is Mrs Croak.  In an exclusive interview by Ambrose Pimple, Mrs Croak warns criminals:

          “The residents of Groaningsea are respectable folks.  We will not put up with the underworld trying to spoil our beautiful town.  My teenage son, Elvis, known to his mates as The Toad, will be on watch during the early evening.  Anyone caught doing anything, anything whatsoever, will be done.  Us Croaks don’t take to criminals, especially ones as we don’t know.”

          Further action has been taken by the local librarians who also represent R.A.T.  They are closeting their  umbrellas under the returns desk.  Anyone stepping out of line will feel the force of Mrs Chalk’s umbrella, be stamped on the forehead and get a fine.

          We want local residents to rest assured that they can count upon the Groaningsea Gazette to join forces with R.A.T. in the fight against crime.  Top crime correspondent, Ambrose Pimple will be available anytime and anywhere – that is Monday –Friday (9a.m. to 5p.m. within the Groaningsea area.

 

Anyone with any information or in danger please ring:

 

Ambrose on Groaningsea 666.

 

Gangsters Go For Gobber!

Published April 3, 2012 by loonyliterature

by

Ambrose Pimple

Groaningsea Gazette  Editor, Reporter and Coffee Boy.

 

http://openclipart.org/clipart/people/magnifyi...

http://openclipart.org/clipart/people/magnifying_glass_01.svg License: PublicDomain Keywords: people Author: AbiClipart Title: Magnifying Glass (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Gobber’s Joke Shop has graced Groaningsea’s back streets since anyone can remember.  Gobber is Groaningsea and Groaningsea is Gobber.  We have to ask ourselves why is Groaningsea, and now Gobber, being targeted by the mob?   

To understand the intensity of this crime we must realise that it is not one single crime which Gobber has been victim of but a catalogue of them.  Regular readers will remember Ambrose Pimple, head crime consultant of the Groaningsea Gazette, dutifully reporting how Gobber suffered crime in the past.  For new readers of the Groaningsea Gazette, who we hope will become regular readers, let me explain. 

Being the principle joke shop owner of Groaningsea, well actually, he’s the only joke shop owner of Groaningsea, Gobber feels it is his duty to be a role model to his young customers.  As fresh air and exercise is the order of the day for a healthy mind and body, Gobber does a daily jaunt on the promenade.  Gobber’s celebrity status in this small town means that during the school holidays he is accompanied by his fans spurring him on. 

On the unfortunate day of the first crime, some hard nosed criminal attached a sign onto the back of Gobber’s anorak.  The sign read : 

Gobber smells.  Yell if, you agree. 

Consequently,  a shouting mob stampeded the promenade with Gobber in front believing his own personal charisma was causing the racket.  Not that Gobber doesn’t have personal charisma, you understand.  Top crime correspondent, Ambrose Pimple charged through the crowd, whipped his windcheater off, flung it over Gobber’s head and made for the Drowning Fish Café.  Peace soon ensued but there was more to follow.

The next attack on the unfortunate Gobber was the advertisement in the Groaningsea Gazette.  A ruthless criminal masqueraded as Gobber and placed an advert in this very newspaper.  We have to be dealing with the professional underworld, otherwise how would the fake advert have gotten past Doris the cleaning lady who sells advertising space on her day off?  The advert, which looked very impressive with our new style headings read GRAB FREE GOODIES AT GOBBERS.  Derek Frisk, the local St John’s Ambulance man resuscitated Gobber as his shelves emptied. 

A wooden "roller" type rolling pin

A wooden "roller" type rolling pin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Gobber wishes to warn the underworld that he has now taken arms and his mother Mavis is hiding in the back of the shop with her rolling pin and length of elastic, ready for action.

 

 

Gangsters Go For Groaningsea!

Published April 2, 2012 by loonyliterature
Garden gnome with wheelbarrow

Garden gnome with wheelbarrow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 by

Ambrose Pimple

(Groaningsea Gazette Editor, Reporter, Secretary and Coffee Boy.)

Residents of Groaningsea be on the alert!  Strange happenings are taking place on your very own doorstep.  It is thought that a master criminal is on the loose.  It is not an ordinary criminal, that much is known.  How do we know this?  Ace crime reporter, Ambrose Pimple has been on the scene of these extraordinary happenings.  Stone gargoyles with secret messages on them have been left on doorsteps in the town. 

Ambrose Pimple has made the decision not to disclose the secret messages at this point in time as it could cause a spate of copycat crimes.  As an ace crime reporter, Ambrose Pimple has delved into the mind of the ruthless criminal over the years.  He has to admit, he has not come across such a cunning criminal mastermind of this type before.  The key question, says Pimple, is what is so unique about this crime?  He understands that the ordinary public will not be able to answer this penetrating question and so he explains:  The ordinary criminal takes from us.  We have all been there when our garden gnomes have disappeared.  However, The Gargoyle Gangster, as he will be referred to from now on, has us on the run.  He plays with our law abiding minds – he doesn’t whiz our washing from our lines or even pilfer our plants, NO!  The Gargoyle Gangster leaves his threatening mark upon our doorsteps.  What has this criminal mastermind got in store for Groaningsea next?

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